Funny Relationship Quotes

Welcome to the funny relationship quotes list. Below you’ll find a list of funny quotes about relationships, men, women, old age, children, and more. These quotes are great to share with your special someone.

Funny Relationship Quotes

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Frederick Ryder

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.
Steve Martin

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
Albert Einstein

Funny Quotes About Women

An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
Katharine Hepburn

I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.
Rebecca West.

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

Women: Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
Sean Williamson

When women go wrong, men go right after them.
Mae West

Funny Quotes About Men

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
Cher

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
Diana Jordan

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Jilly Cooper

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henry Youngman

If you’ve got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.
John Wayne

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
Mae West

Funny Love & Marriage Quotes

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
Shelley Winters

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
Leonardo Di Vinci

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Joan Rivers

The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.
Aristotle

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

I wouldn’t be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.
Tony Curtis

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

Funny Quotes About Children

There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins.
Josh Billings

Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.
Bill Cosby

Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children.
Sam Levinson

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
Joan Rivers

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
Ralph Bus

Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers.
Socrates

Funny Old Age Quotes

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”
Groucho Marx

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Rita Rudner

We hope you enjoyed our funny relationship quotes and sayings. If you have a quote or saying that you would like to share please use the comment box below.

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